One Hell of a Crisis!
by Skyhart
Summary: What happens when you mix a team of morons with a perpetually drunk doctor? This. I put the Dino crisis story in a mixing bowl and turn the mixer on high!


**One Hell of a Crisis!**

_What happens when you mix a team of morons with a perpetually drunk doctor? This. I put the Dino crisis story in a mixing bowl and turn the mixer on high! _

**_Chapter One: Arriving at Ibis Island_**

Regina stared at the screen with intent eyes and focused resolve. She let her fingers quickly tap in the commands. "Yes, that's right!" She was close to finishing it, and gathered up a bit more speed. "C'mon, Jill, move! Push that battery a little more! Run! He's right behind you!" Regina buckled down on the analog stick on the controller and her character ran past the mutilated terror, the final boss. "It's almost over…" Unfortunately, at that moment, Gail just happened to walk in on her gaming session. "Hey, Regina? Did you finish reading that Intel?" With a flurry of quick movements she switches it back to the report from the agent on Ibis Island, Tom. "Y-yeah, just about." "Tell me what you found out then." "Uh, well, apparently they are developing some sort of advanced weaponry. He wants us to go in immediately to stop the threat, that's pretty much it." Gail's eyes lit up like a kid coming downstairs on Christmas day. "Finally, I've been waiting for some action! Get Cooper and that other guy and meet me at the heliport in an hour." "You mean, Rick? He just started yesterday! All he does is fixing the computers!" Gail waived his hand a little and walked away from her. "Eh, maybe he can turn up something useful on one of the machines there." Regina scowled and tapped him on the shoulder. "What about clearance?" "This is an emergency; there is no time to worry about that! Tom is in trouble!" Her brow deeply furrowed as she pointed a finger in his face and replied. "You are a horrible liar, you just want to kill people." He shrugged, and opened the door. "What's so bad about that?" And Gail took off to his favorite place in the building, the Armory.

Rick was finishing up on one of the computers when a shadow loomed over him. He turned to see the hot chick; he never could remember her name though. "Rick?" "Yeah?" "Gail wants you to gear up, we're going on a mission" Now he felt confused, they assigned him here as a computer repair man only, right? _That's what I get for ignoring orientation! _"Okay. Where is the armory again?" "It's down the hall with all the gun signs." She answered flatly at him. He got up and began looking around for the one thing in the building he could never find, save for the ever stealthy bathrooms.

_Just great, that is the last time I try to BS my way out of things. Oh well! We walk in, kill a few innocent scientist, and I can go back to playing my game. _Regina walked back into the info room and turned off the game, she'd have to work all the way from her save point, again. Then without a second look, she left the room. To her dismay, if she had waited two seconds more she could've avoided the events to come. Right when she closed the door another email from Tom came in.

DO NOT COME TO IBIS ISLAND, THEY ARE SERVING PAIN SANDWICHES TO ALL VISTORS! Hey, look! I found an extra spleen!

Best Wishes,

Tom

And at that, the team boarded the helicopter, and rode off into the night. The pilot, who shall remain nameless, was jamming to the Spice Girls all the way to Ibis Island. "Hey, Gail?" Regina tried to find out who was who behind the masks. "What?" "I think the pilot is gay." Gail shook his head at her. "Oh, what do you know!" And at that moment the pilot's headset ripped out of the stereo; which blared out an annoyingly loud course of "If You Wanna B My Lover". "Dear God! Make it stop!" Rick screamed as he grabbed his head and bashed it into the helicopter's hull. Cooper being the only one desperate enough, or perhaps sane enough; grabbed a parachute and opened the back door. " Freedom! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" And he jumped.

Cooper slowly descended into the forest and was caught in the jowls of a ferocious being, a tree. "Ah crud." He got his knife out and began to saw the parachute's support ropes.

It had been twenty minutes since Cooper left them and the pilot was now sing along with the stereo. "If you wanna be my lover, You have got to give! Taking is too easy, that's the way it is!" "Hey, guys! Look!" Regina called, the two men looked out the back door to see a large collection of buildings. "Is that it?" Rick shouted over the pilot's serenading clamor. "Yep, okay everyone let's go!" Gail grabbed his parachute and ran towards the door, and suddenly he tripped over Regina's boot. This caused her to trip, and fall out of the chopper instantly; luckily, Regina had a vice-grip on her parachute the entire time they flew. "CRAAAAAAAP!" Rick jumped right after her, in a attempt to save the only pair of breast on this mission; "I'll save you, lady!" and he jumped from the flying vehicle. "Rick, you idiot! You forgot to get you parachute, you retarded monkey!" The pilot turned down the volume and swiled around to Gail. "See you fella! Have a nice trip!" And, at that, Gail jumped.

"WOAH!" Cooper crashed into the forest ground below, and then stood up shakily. "Ow. Dammit, how come the actors never get hurt?" Then he retrieved his flashlight and searched the area. _How far am I from the starting point? Man, my head is still ringing from that crap. Huh?! _A shadow loomed over him, and as he turned around he saw something incredible. And it was followed by something incredibly painful. CRASH! "Off!" Before he blacked out he saw shards of glass and red fluid run down his head. _Shit…_

Gail and company just reached the fence to the outer part of the facility. "Okay, so since Cooper isn't here we need to scrap the part of the plan where we use him as a meat shield." "Uh, Gail? Are only plan was to hide behind Cooper as he absorbed the bullets." Rick's eyes widened as he interrupted them. "You mean he can absorb bullets? Like a superhero?" "No, as in we use his dead body as an object to block the bullets." Rick's enthusiasm deflated as Gail continued his instructions. "Okay, here's the new plan; Rick, you go sneak inside and find the control room," "What?! I'll be caught for sure!" Gail rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Have you received any training?" "Dude, I fix government computers, what kind of training would I have?" Now Gail was getting annoyed; if this didn't work, then they were screwed. "Have you played Metal Gear Solid?" Rick bobbed his head up and down. "Then use what you learned from that!" Rick looked stoked now, ready for anything. "Roger!" "No, it's Gail." Regina replied. Then an awkward silence took over between them. "Anyway, Regina come with me, we'll go check the guard house." "Right."

(A/N): Hi everyone! This is my 2nd story so far. Have fun reading it! I'll post chapters whenever I complete them. See ya!


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